You Have The Right To Forgive Who You Choose

When I was younger I had a stepmother for 3 years that abused me. She had a mood disorder and was not on medication for the majority of her marriage to my father. What I didn't realise back then was that abuse was all I knew and that she wasn't the only one abusing me in my childhood. 

When she split up from my Dad she apologised to both of us for the way she treated us. I accepted her apology at the time but my dad convinced me to not forgive her. While I was being abused by my dads girlfriend both of them convinced me that I wasn't being abused and that the abuse I 'thought' I was experiencing was the fact that I hadn't healed from my ex stepmother and that I wasn't seeing his girlfriend as an individual. I was constantly put down and told I was being selfish because I wouldn't let his girlfriend in. The truth was that the pain I experienced from my ex stepmother wasn't fully acknowledged at the time and wasn't respected and his girlfriend was not only adding to the damage by abusing me but making my pain worse by not giving me space to heal before she would move into the house.

So when I moved out of home and became estranged from my father I was able to process the grief I was experiencing from my ex stepmother. My ex stepmother had similar struggles with her family and although she encouraged me in a very backwards way growing up, she really wanted me to do well academically and was setting up a glory box for me (which is a box filled of stuff that helps you live independently as an adult) and was even planning on giving me the granny flat in our backyard for when I turned 18. I'd never forgotten this and when my dad's girlfriend moved into that unit and had my dad sleep there every night it poured salt into the wound of the loss of my stepmother. 

Contrary to the fact that my dad keeps a shrine of my childhood and calls it 'my room', my Stepmother cheered for joy when it appeared I had my first period. Sometimes I wonder if she and my dad reconciled, would I have gotten the best start to adulthood that was promised to me. So the fact that I had forgiven my stepmother in my estrangement with my father it hurt and angered me when last my father and I spoke he blamed my stepmother for all the abuse I experienced. I brought it up with him and told him to stop bringing up my ex stepmother because I had healed from that experience and had already forgiven her. He said I hadn't healed and that it was impossible for me to have processed it fully.

The thing is that I've forgiven her for some time now and every now and then I think of her and hope she is happy and at peace. I feel grateful for her, that she wanted good things for me, that she was excited for me to become independant and that she wanted me to get a university degree contrary to when my father, didn't even bat an eye when I dropped out of high school and tried to make going back very difficult. I use to think it was my dad that made me want to go to university but it was actually my ex stepmother because she use to talk about her studies all the time. I learnt how to speak academically from her.

Whenever I think of my ex stepmother I feel love for her. I wish I could tell her that not only do I forgive her, but I understand what she was going through with her mood disorder. I have every right to forgive her because she apologised in tears, she tried to create a space for me to be apart of hers and my stepsisters lives after her and my dad split up and my father ruined that for me. I wish I could tell her that I'm about to graduate and that I've made a life for myself. I wish I could thank her for believing in me even though she found it hard to truely express that when she was unwell. I hope she has found a loving and supportive family like I have. I hope she is loved and I hope she forgives herself because she deserves her own forgiveness too.

No-one has the right to tell you who you can and can't forgive and no-one has the right to tell you that you are 'holding a grudge' when you stand up to someones abuse and ask for them to take accountability. Forgiveness is your choice and it can't be forced upon you. 

Forgiveness is not always the answer either when people continue to mistreat you. My ex stepmother earned my forgiveness because she apologised and tried to support me when my dad was making it hard for us to connect. My father hasn't earned my forgiveness because he never made a genuine apology and he never stopped abusing me. In the end you are in charge of your healing and there is no wrong or right way and it is something only you can decide whether you have healed or not. So I'm owning this healing and forgiveness when it comes to my ex stepmother and no-one can take that away from me.