The Difficulty with Christmas

(Warning: This Freeverse Poem may be triggering to some. If this Poem brings up any painful memories for you, please call 1800 RESPECT or Lifeline 13 11 14)

Difficult memories arise in my mind.

Words of betrayal and being made to feel worthless and incompetent.

My inner child crying as I remember being abandoned.

Sometimes I think I could be weak and reach out again but then I remember what you did.

Sometimes my genes remind me of how we used to get along but then I remember all the times you'd undercut me.

It's foolish to think someone might love you because you loved them.

Even family can hate you, despite the charming things they'd have you believe.

I didn't learn love from them, only stockholm syndrome.

Sometimes my inner child needs reminding of the truth.

Fake love is no substitute.

I need to be strong not just for myself but for future generations.

Quick, bring up childhood Christmas memories when blood relatives weren't there.

Time can make you foolish but I made that mistake with my father recently and I wont do it again.

Hot anger still rises in me when I think of my father.

How he thought that he was owed the family I am marrying into.

He thinks that I'm his property.

He thinks what's mine is his.

He's barely been around since he moved to WA and yet he still feels a sense of entitlement.

He barely knows his daughter.

He only knows his idea of me, not reality.

Once a child turns 18, they are no longer yours.

Once a child turns 18, the decision is theirs.

This is my life Father, you are not apart of it.

This is my life Carol, you are not apart of it.

I will not think of you when I hear carollers.

I will not think of you when I see christmas lights.

You are a figment of my past, and that is all you are.

I will not let myself obtain forgetful optimism again.

Although sometimes I wish to forget.

Memories of your narcissism protect me.

I will remember the time you when you abandoned me at Christmas to go to Japan or was it Thailand?

I will remember the arguments you would create on the order of opening up presents.

I will remember how you enjoyed how compliant I was when I was unwell, you took a photo of feeding me as a baby when I was 24 years old.

I will remember how you keep a shrine to my childhood in your house and call it my room.

I remember when you shouted at me in Westfield and I had to stay at my exes house over Christmas because you flew off the handle at me again.

I remember when you would make me feel shit every Christmas but then try to make me feel guilty for deciding to spend Christmas with my boyfriend and his family.

I remember yours and Carols idea of a holiday was have a massive argument every time. 

It wasn't a holiday, it there wasn't at least one big blow up.

I remember you focusing on the presents but not putting in any effort into a nice Christmas day.

I remember that I apparently always decorated the Christmas tree wrong because you always knew how to do it better than me.

I remember when I would start talking to you again and you would make me feel guilty for all the Christmas's I missed and apparently made you miss.

I remember there was never a big family Christmas. It was always Dad, his Abusive Girlfriend and me or just Carol and me.

The only big Christmas' we had were with my Dad and his abusive wife and bratty daughter.

Any other Christmas's I've lost track of or completely blocked out, because if I ever had a nice Christmas with blood relatives it was drowned out by all the bad memories.

I remember being so stressed about getting presents for my father and his partners because they always had such high expectations of what they wanted.

Christmas was supposed to be for the children, not in my birth family.

I look forward to my 6th Christmas without my biological family.

May there be many beautiful happy Christmases with my new family unit.

My children will never have to experience the pain that I experienced.

There will never be new painful memories for as long as I never make contact with abusive biological relatives again (and they're all abusive)